How is adoption ever wrong?

Question by Ens5909: How is adoption ever wrong?
I posted a question earlier about adoption…
I have an 18 month old and a 2 month old and I may be pregnant again. I had said I was considering giving the maybe-baby up for adoption to my sister-in-law who cannot get pregnant and 3 people answered saying that was horrible?!
We’re just barely financially stable enough to provide for the kids we have now. And somehow wanting to give another baby a better home is wrong?
Someone actually told me to ‘do the right thing and get an abortion’.
And I wouldn’t be just giving the baby away. I could never do that. I would still see him/her all the time, and I’d know that he’she was being loved and cared for.
And for anyone who is concerned, I am bettering my life, I am going to school, and eventually the child would have the circumstances explained to him/her that we were doing what was best and that we still and always would love him/her.

Best answer:

Answer by Abandoned Abandoner
How would you like to know that your own mother gave you away instead of trying to better her life and finances in order to keep you?

Abandoning your child is never the “best” option. That’s a cop out. The best option is to get a better education, job, budget etc. so you can parent your child.

Add your own answer in the comments!

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22 thoughts on “How is adoption ever wrong?”

  1. It’s not. It’s fantastic, but it’s also very hard. Once you see and hold that child, you’re going to realize that it’s not very easy to give it up.

    However, the choice is a very smart one, and you’re being quite rational about the entire thing. Don’t let anyone ever tell you what you’re choosing to do is wrong, because it’s not. You’re giving a couple a chance to love a child and your giving a child a fantastic home.

  2. Just FYI a lot of the people on here actually are the same person, just under different accounts. Nothing is wrong with what you’re doing. Adoption can be wrong in some cases. There are some seedy agencies and weirdos out there. But this is your sister-in-law here…I’m pretty sure she’s safe to be trusted. Good luck! And thank you for choosing to give that child a good life.

  3. Im sorry, but the people who are telling you this are the ones who know best- we are ADOPTEES.

    To the woman who is 39 weeks and 2 days, come back in 3 years when your “open adoption” is closed, if you are doing an open adoption. They are NOT legally enforceable in the US. You dont know how this is going to affect you- you are in for a lifetime of heartbreak.

    I had an abortion BECAUSE I was adopted.

    Children do NOT want things. They want their natural mothers and fathers, their natural families. They do NOT want to be raised by strangers….even if it’s an aunt. They want their mothers.

    Read up on how adoption will affect your child, yourself and your family. To give away a child when you have other kids at home should be criminal. They will fear you and NEVER trust you.

    Do some reading about the realities of adoption:
    http://www.nancyverrier.com
    http://www.amfor.net/acs
    http://www.origins-usa.org
    http://www.motherhelp.info/index.htm
    http://www.babyscoopera.com
    http://www.keepyourbaby.com/the_primal_w
    http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index….
    http://www.thegirlswhowentaway.com/
    http://www.youtube.com/user/adoptedthemovie
    http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/adoption_coercion.html

  4. Because you’re splitting up siblings. Whichever way you slice or dice it all those kids will feel disposable

    Good luck getting the child to equate mother discarding you with love. That’s a great way to instill trust issues where they could think that people who love the will leave them.

    And the kept kids, you obviously don’t love them! if you did, you’d give the away, right?

  5. you are right in saying it is your life. however from being the daughter that was given away, and my mother kept the other kids. for the longest time i thought there was something wrong with me. right now you are seeing it from your point of view only. years down the line how will your son/daughter view it? you will have alot of explaining to do and it can’t be the same old line of “i did it to better your life and give you a loving home”. There has to be more honesty in what you say to this child if you choose to hand the baby off to your sister in law. i mean think of it from a child’s point of view seeing their brother and sister going off with mom, yet the child has to stay behind. it can bring in alot of hurt feelings. i’m just saying, not telling you it is right or wrong because you can only decide that. just telling you how i felt growing up.

  6. I work with moms all the time who have to make this decision. You need to do what you feel is best. Non of us are in your shoes. If you can’t handle another child, do what you need to. It doesn’t matter if it would be easy for someone else to manage 3 kids, if you feel you can’t, don’t. If you decide to give up your baby to your SIL make sure everyone agrees upfront how this wll be handled – who knows what/ tells what when….etc. No matter waht you do, it won’t be easy. Follow your heart. Good Luck.

  7. The 10 (or-so) people who hang out here are not even hardly a representative of the entire adopted population.
    If their adopted life were really so bad they would have more pressing things to do then hang around Y!A.

    You see well adjusted adoptees on here too they are just usually booed off stage by these other weirdos. They are normal people with better things to do so they just move on.

    One of the biggest adoption haters on here os constantly talking about the bond a mother and child build during pregnancy.
    Apparently this person thinks that it is not ok for the mother to change that bond via. adoption BUT it is ok to break that bond via, having the baby sucked throw a vacuum.

    You are a mother. Only YOU know what is best for your child.
    Good Luck and the wonderful things you are hoping to do.

  8. The truth is, you don’t have to answer to anyone here.
    But you will have to answer to your kids one day about why you gave their sibling away.
    Oh yes, and if you want to have a loving close relationship with the little adoptling you are so generously giving away, you will have to explain that college just came first. I’m sure he or she will understand.

    What’s the big deal?
    Those kids should be able to suck it up and take it, right?
    I mean you do have a life to lead and birthcontrol? Pooh! Who needs it?
    Not you!

    It takes a special kind of love to ditch a helpless infant. It sounds like you’ve got it all figured out.

  9. I guess I take a differnt view on this issue. Although you have your reasons for considering not keeping this child (and these are your reasons for your situation), I am actually more interested in who you are considering giving the baby too.

    How will you feel if you dont like what you see, disagree with your sister in laws parenting style, feel the child isnt being cared for properly? Are you going to try to take the child back, therefore causing a rift in your family?

  10. Oh my God-Of COURSE the children won’t hate you! Just explain that you had to make a difficult decision because you wouldn’t be able to care for all three of them properly and their needs came first! That you loved the third baby very much and thats why you chose your sister-in-law so you could continue to see him or her. There’s nothing wrong with admitting you can’t take on the tremendous additional responsibility when you already have two children who still need THEIR financial and emotional needs met. Especially if keeping this new child could mean you wouldn’t be able to meet the needs of ANY of them. What you would be doing in allowing you sister-in-law to adopt the child would be the RIGHT thing. Than all three children would have what they needed and would even be able to grow up together. You sister-in-law would probably also be beyond thrilled. Please don’t be hurt by some of the other posters. Many of them ARE the same people under different accounts, and many have WAY WAY WAY more issues than the average adoptee, or are for some reason completely against those dealing with infertility and therefore really only have issues with the part about your sister-in-law raising the baby. Good luck, and it sounds as though you have a really level head and are committed to making sure ALL your children have the best life possible. NOTHING wrong with that.

  11. All open-adoptions never work.
    Mine cause of being back in the day was a closed adoption, although my biological parents choose to give me up they hurt and so do I. Yes, I was raised in a loving home, but the one thing I was denied was my true identity. I met my biological family and I’m more like them than anything else in this world. I am the oldest of three, full biological siblings, not being raised with them kills me, having a little sister I cannot have anything to do with kills me.

    Adoption, is not all rainbows and sunshine.

  12. In your situation my friend, I truly feel that adoption is the right thing. It seems that you really are looking out for your baby’s best interest. I cannot understand how anyone could tell you that it would be better to get an abortion. That is the MOST SELFISH thing any woman could do. Granted I am sure that placing a child is very difficult. I am adopted and have 2 adopted children, and I know for a fact when the 2 birth moms of our kids placed them with us, it was very difficult. Don’t listen to anyone, if you REALLY feel that this would be the best for your child, then by all means place this baby with your sister-in-law.

  13. The adoptees who are against adoption speak as if they are speaking for ALL adoptees, and that is not the case.
    There are many many adoptees who think adoption is a good thing. Separation and abandonment, losing your family are bad things but they happen with or without adoption. In my country there are no adoption agencies and no money to be made from adoption, all adoptions are either through social services, or privately between people who know each other. (Child goes to live with relative or friend, then later they decide to get an adoption order). Whenever a child loses their birth family, thats sad, but would happen whether or not the child was adopted. There is nothing at all wrong with the children being adopted rather than living in foster care or with parents who do not want them or who abuse or neglect them.
    Theres nothing wrong with your case of giving the child a better home. As it would be an open adoption the child would not lose his/her biological family, would not lose the mother, so there shouldnt be any major problems. I don’t know what percentage of adoptees hate adoption and think its an evil thing, but I don’t believe it’s the majority.

  14. I suggest you read http://www.bringperihome.com/history.html before believing that you will be guaranteed an open adoption – a story (amongst many others) that shows not only can open adoptions become closed without the bfamily having any say in the matter, but that not all adoptive parents consider what’s “in the best interest of the child” and instead have their own, sometimes entirely hidden, agendas.

    Another place you should read is http://lifemothers.com/thewall.html

    Those of us who’re advising you against this are – in the main – those who were adopted out. Listen to us, because your child could well grow up to be thinking and saying the same things!

    I’m the one who told you to “do the right thing and get an abortion”, and that’s because I’ve lived as an adoptee for almost 37 years, and even though I have the best afamily in the world, I’d still much rather have been aborted as at least the pain I’d’ve suffered would’ve been brief, and wouldn’t’ve dragged on for decades like living as an adoptee, who was given away by her mom, has done.

    Another site you should read is http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2009/03/breaking-silence-on-living-pro-lifers.html

    I had done to me what you’re on about doing to your child – being abandoned while my mom kept my older sister. Why me? How could I’ve been such an awful baby that not even my own mom could love me? It means I must obviously be a deeply vile person if even my own mom can abandon me, even though I was only seven months old.

  15. I understand your reasoning but you’re not always going to be poor and as you are coping with school and raising two children a third child isn’t going to make that much of a difference. “Looking” from the outside in it would make more sense if your sister in law was supportive instead of adopting your baby if in fact you are pregnant. I mean that in the nicest possible way.

  16. I have a full blood older sister. She was kept. I wasn’t. Then later on down the road on dad’s side, a half sister was born, her mom didn’t step up to the plate, and my dad raised HER. This messed both my older sister and I up. The day I discovered I had an older sister and that she was kept and raised was one of the best and most painful days of my life. The fact that she was kept and I was abandoned is one of the worst things I have ever felt.

    During our adoption talks, she has told me that she often resented that she wasn’t worth what everyone was saying I was. You see she heard people telling my mother that giving me away was the loving thing to do. That I would have a better life than she could provide. And my sister wondered why I was worth that and she wasn’t. She also lived in fear of being abandoned by our mother, and as such pulled back and refused to allow herself to bond. To anyone. So this whole adoption mess really did a number on the both of us.

    You would be just giving the baby away. That’s what relinquishment is. And there is absolutely no guarantee of keeping an adoption open, whether the joyous recipients are family or not. As an adoptee with kept siblings and a destroyed family that never quite put themselves back together the right way, I urge you to find ways to help yourself keep your child. Financial problems are temporary. Adoption is permanent. It’s like killing a fly with an anvil.

  17. I am closely related to a similar inter-family adoption situation. Your whole situation will become much more complicated than it seems right now. The adopted person I know has grown up in therapy, especially in the teen years. Your child will seem to grow up like everyone else, but so much is masked in adopted life. In some ways you may make it more difficult for your child by being so close. She will feel the need to please everyone else. The person I am closely related to has always wanted to call her natural mother mom. How simple is that. Your child has two moms. She should grow up calling you both what she wants and should know you are her other mother from day one. If your sister does not allow these sort of things than she is only thinking of herself and her desire to be your child’s one and only mother. This sort of openness is greatly needed. Your unborn child’s wants and needs are to be heard first.

    Where I live most of my neighbors are between the age of thirty and fifty five. Every single household has family and neighborhood support for bringing up there children. One home grandma comes three days a week when parents are at work. My mother-in-law is always there for my kids. I myself watch neighbor kids when their parents have doctors appointments, or just need to run errands. It sounds like you need a better support system or at least need to accept help from others. Most people can’t do it on there own. Even if you were independently wealthy. Maybe your sister should just chip in as super aunty and have a very special place in your children’s hearts.

  18. I’m sorry, that so many people wear such blinders and give you such bad advice. Adoption isn’t wrong. Listen to your heart, do a bunch of research. Not just from the sites that people post here either.

    Yes, there are adoption horror stories. Many of which were 20+ years ago when things were not regulated as they are now. If your child is raised in love and raised to know you as their birth-parent from the beginning things will work out. They will ask the hard questions when they get old enough to understand and they will need the REAL truthful answers to those questions. There are tons of support groups and books on how to explain all types of adoption to children.

    It drives me knutz people that blindly say others should never adopt.

    I can’t tell you what to do in your situation. You would be having what they call a kinship adoption if you allowed your sister in law to adopt the baby. I’m sure she would see it as an unbelievable gift and honor to her to be able to raise your biological child.

    Best wishes

  19. either way you need to find out whether or not you are pregnant first. it’s always good to consider different outcomes but you may just be stressing over nothing.

    adoption is one of those things that is so varied depending on the individual situation, that it’s not either ‘good’ or ‘bad’. it doesn’t fit into boxes.

    it feels to me like many here are taking the opportunity to rant their fraustrations, rather then give you advice and in that case you should ignore them. thursday below me is a perfect example, she is not answering your question in anyone’s best interests, she’s just using it as an outlet for her bad experiences, which shouldn’t have happened and i do sympathise, but if she wanted to answer the question she should have answered it in your families interest.

    either way this situation isn’t going to be easy. the child may grow up facing difficult feelings in relation to the adoption and it may cause upset among his or her siblings. if this happens don’t beat yourself up about it, we can’t always please our loved ones and life has it’s hardships for everybody. as the saying goes “life isn’t always fair”.

    if you do get a positive hpt you need to evaluate it all in your head. whatever you decide to do will not make you a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ person.

    if thats the case and you want to go through with the adoption you will have to deal with that.

    i am sure that if you choose to give the baby to your sister in law you will be granting her the wish of raising a child. you know what kind of person her and your brother are so you know what’s best.

    if your brother and your sister in law are willing to give the child a loving home then if you REALLY feel that it’s right don’t let bitter people tell you not to make that choice. they are strangers and if we all based our lives on what strangers wanted us to do we would be jumping through hoops and running around in circles for no good reason at all.

    you need to do what you and your husband decide. it’s not up to me or anyone else here for that matter to tell you whether it is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’.

  20. I was adopted and I had a very difficult and lonely childhood. My adopted family was financially stable, but they were verbally abusive and always made me feel like an outsider. I think that my childhood has damaged me in a lot of ways. Even as a 24 year old adult, I still feel rootless, like I don’t belong anywhere. I feel like an orphan still. I have met my biological mother and tried to have a relationship with her, but I resent her and see her as a selfish person. Keep your baby.

  21. wow people get the wrong idea on adoption
    its not all bad i mean the CPS guy who removed me from my home is pretty much my hero i mean the guy got hit with a baseball bat so i didnt get hit again (my collarbone was already broke from the bat)

    seriously i would have been better off to have been put in a better home but i lived like that till a month before my 15th b-day

    sometimes adoption is better than living in a home where you cant have the best!

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